“It’s not me, it’s YOU.”

So if you’ve been single for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the dreaded “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Obviously I can’t say that it’s just a load of crap excuse 100% of the time and only used when somebody wants to end a relationship yet doesn’t desire to hurt the other person. No no, I would never say that. 🙂 But I venture to say that it’s, at the very least, an over-used tactic often uttered to soften the blow; sweeten the severance package, if you will. Yet despite the weak effort, it still stings and leaves us rummaging through the dusty files of our brain trying to determine where we went wrong.

Nobody likes to break up or get divorced. Even if it’s the best thing to do, there is an extinguished light; one that once shone brightly. Aaaaand then…the grieving process. UGH! If only we could speed it up! If only we had kind of like a drive-through-bandage-up-and-shake-it-off service we could use. The focus begins to turn to YOU and your feelings as you nearly drive yourself nuts imagining what you should have done differently, then morphing into raging anger the next moment. You might wallow in self-pity for a while, turn to friends so they will listen to you blubbering on about how horrible your life is so they will empathize with your woes. You might blame yourSELF, and your SELF-esteem has probably taken quite a hit. You might feed your face just as you’ve fed your sadness by dwelling on what has happened, immersing yourself in sugary treats and your favorite comfort foods to ease the pain. Maybe you turn to God, asking questions like “why ME? What’s wrong with ME? Me, me, I me, me I……I’ve learned that this is an intense focus on SELF. Being depressed and focusing on the problem, even if temporarily justified, is focusing on ourselves.

Now don’t get me wrong – I have certainly had my share of heartache, divorce, and crushing break-ups and I have caught myself doing each and every thing I have mentioned so far. I make no claim to being a relationship expert or shrink, but I just know what it’s like to go through this roller-coaster of emotions. And there is most certainly a time to grieve, and we MUST so that we can begin to cope and heal. But as time passes, we have to begin our journey out of that valley. I always hate when people say, “You just have to move on!” True as it may be, who the heck is comforted by THAT?!? “Yea, easier said than done, pal. You can go suck an egg!!” (No I have never said that to anyone…out loud, at least). Anyway, it’s ok to sort out our thoughts. But we have to allow joy to rush in and flood out the darkness the pain has brought. Send it packin’! What better light source than the One who spoke it into existence? Plug into the Light of the World, the Bright Morning Star. And that pain and darkness somehow surrenders in defeat by His glory and strength. The focus on US slowly shifts to a new focus on God if we will seek his face. How much wiser to spend the currency of our fragile lives on HIM instead of SELF or the person who abandoned us? It’s not about him/her. Heck, it’s not even really about YOU! It’s about the perfect love waiting for you with open arms, waiting for you to lift your face and rest in him. We just have to believe that he wants to give us the desires of our heart, so we know we’ll find our intended love one day. So drop the other half of the chocolate cheesecake and sing a song of praise! And then we can declare to our Comforter, Lord, and Savior that “it’s not me, it’s YOU!”

But I trust in you, Lord: I say, “You are my God.” Psalms 31:14 NIV

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4 NKJV

PB&J’s and Grilled Cheese

I’ve learned some pretty grown-up lessons over my single years after my divorce. One thing about not being with someone else is that you certainly do learn a lot about SELF! Being a single woman is one thing. But being a single parent AND unmarried/not in a relationship is a whole other story. I mean, I have some single, divorced friends with no children. Sometimes I try to imagine how it must feel for them to be our age and come home to an empty house, wondering if they’re ever going to walk in the door and see their family waiting for them. Trust me – I get the single thing. I get the dread of climbing into an empty bed alone between cold sheets, I get shouldering all the bills by yourself, I get feeling all crazy on Mother’s Day and/or Father’s Day as you consider how hard it is to do both. I get it. But I am blessed to say that the ’empty house’ is not my life. I always have my child to talk to and hang out with and care for. I’m thankful for that. But it does present a different kind of challenge to those of us who have been blessed with the gift of a child.

See, I’ve been through some pretty painful times when it comes to marriage/relationships. I gave several years of my life as a very young lady trying to make a marriage work that should never have begun in the first place – it just wasn’t time yet and we jumped in far too early and probably for the wrong reasons.  I’ve been through some terrible heartache in a couple of relationships too: the kind where the thought of it actually stabs your heart and you have to mourn the loss, almost like there was a death. In some ways, it truly is the death of something and it can be excruciating. But one really huge thing I’ve come to learn is that I can’t allow my child to feel that grief along with me.

My pastor talked about Rachel being in the throes of childbirth with her son whom she called Ben-Oni (son of my trouble, or son of my sorrow). Jacob changed his name to Benjamin (Genesis 35:16-18). I believe this gives us the message that we should never pass our sorrows and troubles onto our children.

As a little girl, my parents would never talk about money troubles, although looking back, I know we had many. I never heard them complaining about not having enough or crying about what we didn’t have. That’s not to say they didn’t, but it’s to say that I never heard it. They kept that sorrow from me as a young child. For single parents, it can be really hard to have no one to quickly turn to at home when the only other person around is your kiddo. It’s very difficult to go through something in your relationship or have to end it, but then you can’t allow yourself to fall apart. It’s tough when you’re hurting so much that all you want to do it lie down in your bed and weep bitterly, but instead, you get up and go make cookies and go to the park to spend the sunny spring day. It is just plain hard! If at all possible, don’t let your child see you in your misery and deep pain. Now that doesn’t mean you will always be able to hide everything from them and they won’t catch you fighting back tears. It happens. We’ve got to reassure them that we are going to be ok, there’s no reason to be scared, it’s not them…everything possible to erase any negative feelings they have because of our immediate condition. I’ve had some circumstances, due to relationship woes or other issues, that I absolutely had to drag myself out of it. I had to take a few minutes behind a locked door alone, cry out to God, and just ask him to strengthen me for the sake of my child. Sometimes I promise myself that I will let myself cry or worry later, but just not now. (Usually when I do that, my entire mode has changed by the time I have time to think about it because God has stepped into the picture in that sovereign way that only he can). And sometimes he just allows me to let the tears flow, holding each one in his hand. Weeping may endure for a night….BUT……you know this truth.

So don’t let your kids be sons and daughters of sorrow. Don’t make them carry burdens that only adults were meant to carry. They don’t need to know about your breakup, they don’t need to know your boyfriend/girlfriend hurt your feelings or that you are arguing. Obviously if they have met your significant other and you end the relationship, things will be weird and you have to explain. But you can explain it in a way that is simple and lets them know that everything is going to be ok while protecting them from the sorrow that you may be feeling. Just like we do, kids worry about things they don’t understand. But, also like us, they don’t need to understand everything!!! Sometimes all they need to know is that everything is going to be ok. Like us, they need to trust the one who is caring for them. Let them be kids so that one day they can look back on the days of their youth and reminisce on how cool it was when the biggest decisions they had to make were kickball or dodgeball, PB&J or grilled cheese. We have troubles and sorrows in our lives that we are presented with. When that burden is too heavy for you, your Lord and Savior will carry it for you – gladly. Please take the burden that should be yours from your children, and then lay it at the foot of the cross. Trust me: He doesn’t mind.