The Astonishingly Amazing Thing I Know About You

This world has been given only one chance to experience the irreplaceable beauty you bring to it. Place the fingerprint of your presence on every life you touch: your family, your friends, the stranger whose heart was lifted when you said hello to them; the hug you gave to the person who hadn’t gotten one in weeks. The world spins 7 billion+ people around, yet nobody in the universe has your fingerprint. Not. One.

Think of the ears that heard your voice sing, the eyes that smiled at the painting you did, the heart that felt the touch of your hand and the music of your laughter ringing in the atmosphere. Remember the smile only you can smile; the hurting and broken souls you led to the foot of the cross and into the arms of their Savior because of the power of your testimony.

Give everyone you touch something beautiful and warm to reflect upon when they sit and watch every sunrise. Give them something to be thankful for when they think of you after the world releases its sad and deep sigh when it has to say goodbye. Pause and remember your great worth. Remember who you are, for there is One who wouldn’t trade you for treasures untold.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. -Luke 12:7

What is mankind that you are mindful of them, a son of man that you care for him? You made them a little lower than the angels; you crowned them with glory and honor and put everything under their feet. -Hebrews 2:6-8

You’ve got it goin’ on!

 

The guitar riff from Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne is rocking in the background while this hottie mom steps out of her Cadillac SRX. The camera switches to the young (and also hottie) guy across the street who is completely mesmerized by her graceful presence. She smiles to herself as she drives away from the school looking in the rearview mirror completely aware of what just happened. Now there are a few things that really catch my attention about this commercial. For one, hel-LO?! It’s an awesome song. 🙂 Next, she’s a mom portrayed as a jaw-droppingly beautiful lady. Looking closely, you can see that she has a ring on her finger, and she’s dressed like she’s probably on her way to her very important corporate job. This is completely different than the portrayal of attractiveness we typically see on television. She’s dressed with class! Her clothes aren’t too small or too scant. She doesn’t appear that she’s trying to catch anyone’s attention with her strikingly good looks…she’s just dropping her kid off at school and going to work as usual! Kudos to Cadillac for giving us a really great (yet unfortunately atypical) image of beauty on TV! Love this.

So what’s up with our society that we are tricked into believing that only super-skinny, half-dressed, photo-shopped women and men are the definition of beauty? I mean, we can look our best and take care of ourselves without being over-the-top. And for my guy readers, it’s totally cool if you know how to dress, want to hit the gym so you can stay in good health or look amazing for your beach vacation. I mean after all, you’ve got it goin’ on! There is nothing wrong with being your best you and feeling good about yourself. But the shallow and materialistic world we have to live in can be damaging as we (and our kids) compare our own bodies and lifestyles to the ones we see on TV and in magazines. It really stinks, to say the least. We have to be really careful what we let get past our filters. And if we’re parents, we’ve got a big job as the gatekeeper to all that is allowed into our children’s lives as well.

Words are spirit! Have you even had a song sticking in your head all day that drives you crazy? And no matter how much you try to hit Pause or Stop, it’s like it’s stuck on Play? Sometimes that’s a good thing when we really have a song on our spirit that is encouraging or leads us to the cross during a tough time. But that very same concept can apply to a negative or inappropriate song if it’s not filtered. Even when we aren’t really consciously listening to stuff, it can be transmitted and deposited.

Shut it down. I’ve learned that just because we have to live in this world doesn’t mean we have to take it in. It doesn’t have to be part of us. My pastor always says, “just because you get a bird stuck in your hair doesn’t mean you have to let it build a nest.” Guard your spirit. Protect your heart. Check and see what The Word and The Way has to say about what’s beautiful. After all, can you think of another opinion that matters more?

Do not let your adornment be merely outward – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel – rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 1 Peter 3:3-4

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit…” Hebrews 4:12

They are not of the world even as I am not of it. John 17:16

 

 

All that glitters…10 Reasons for Christian Singles to share the hope we have

  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.   1 Peter 3:15

So if you’ve been a single Christian for any amount of time, you realize that this thing is waaay more than just finding someone compatible who isn’t rude, self-centered, abusive, an addict, psychotic, or a serial killer. It’s even more than finding someone who is able to provide the basic necessities for a generally happy and healthy life for themselves and a family. We are on a mission to find the mate who will pray with us, praise and worship the Lord with us, and create a loving home environment completely centered on Christ. That is one of the greatest hopes of a single Christian man or woman! Aaaaand yet in the process, we also chop our prospects by more than half. Actually, it may be more accurate to chop that half into one or two more halves to get down to the right number.

I’ve met lots of people during my single years who were pretty decent – some even very kind, bright, and loving people. But when I take a step back and consider just how many were truly walking with Jesus and had real potential to consider forever with…well, I don’t even need all the fingers on one of my hands to count those. Well, what in the world is a guy/gal to do? Well we already know that hitting the local bars and clubs isn’t going to produce anything but trouble for our lives, so we continue to avoid those ridiculously lifeless situations. And all you have to do is turn on your tv or jump on your Macbook for five minutes and you’ll see a commercial boasting the bliss of smiling and beautiful people who met the love of their lives on Match or eHarmony or something. Well, my friends, I’ve given that idea a shot or two and although it certainly does work for some of the people some of the time, your odds are just as low (if not lower) than just walking around Wal-Mart with a big pretty smile on your face and seeing who turns down the cereal aisle.

The point is, whichever way someone pops into our lives, we’ve got to be very tactful about how we present ourselves in those early conversations. And you know something I’ve realized? It’s RARE and interesting to find a dating profile which even mentions God’s name. I mean, some of the questions you answer are things like “what are the 6 things you could never live without?” or “what are the 3 things you are most thankful for?” Do you know that I was pretty hard pressed to find more than a handful who said God or Christ or Faith? Amazing. That’s just unfathomable to me. So when I do see one, I always commend them for not being afraid to put it out there and let their faith shine. My dear reader, if you are a Christian trying online dating, read your profile carefully. Can they tell you are a Christian by what you say? Do you stress the importance of him in your life? That doesn’t mean every other word has to be God, but can someone truly read what you wrote and know that you REQUIRE a Christian mate? Or does it just say “Christian or Other” in the religious preference category? I openly admit, I have gone back before and made some changes to my profile so that I am transparent about what I know and what I am looking for. I think I got a lot less messages that way…but you know, I’m totally ok with being weird.

Everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning, looking their best and putting their best foot forward (or straight into their mouths depending on the situation). Well the grass isn’t always greener where all that glitters is gold and whatever you let go comes back to you if it was meant to be………or whatever clever cliche you want to paste onto it. Here’s what I mean: just because someone is typing “Christian” in the religious preference box online doesn’t always mean much. And certainly, just because someone comes to your church every once in a while, on Mother’s Day, Easter, and Christmas doesn’t mean they are following the Lord. Well how ’bout this: even if they come every single WEEK – it doesn’t even necessarily mean that! Listen carefully to the words they select. Observe their behaviors and habits, watch how they treat people who maybe aren’t as beautiful or wealthy or holy as they are.

Wow. I’ve gotten some really interesting ones recently. If I’ve just met someone, at some point early on, I’m saying something to make it clear that I am a Christian woman and I am only interested in seeking a solid friendship which hopefully will lead to a long-term, Christ-centered relationship and marriage. (Ok, not in those words, but something to that effect in numerous sentences with effective voice inflection and appropriate punctuation and grammar). 🙂 I always ask about their walk, what church they attend, if they are involved in any ministries, etc. … here are 10 of the unbelievably stupid responses I’ve gotten. And folks, YES…they are 100% real:

• Church? Oh yea. Church is cool. I don’t have a problem with it at all.
• Yea. I like church.     …….    ………….. I believe in Christ. He was a good man and did good things.
• Oh, my profile says “non-religious?” I set it up real fast. I should probably change that, huh?
• Christian?? So are you like, real religious and good and stuff?
• Well, my take on religion is that it is just a way for people to be controlled and live in fear, and if you really take a look at history, you will see that the freedom of the people was stripped away from them and they were manipulated by the…”      *click.  Dial tone.
• I’m actually Catholic. Well my family is Catholic and that’s how I grew up. But we don’t really practice all those traditions or anything that much, but I never take this cross off my neck.
• I’m not really religious or part of like a denomination, I’m more “spiritual.”
• What do you mean my new job is a blessing? Blessing?? I worked for it. I’m a self-made man.
• I really admire how much you love the Lord. That’s so inspiring! I’ve always prayed for a Christian woman and …  …   …  I really want to cuddle with you on the couch right now. I wish I could kiss you, you have such beautiful lips. What are your plans tonight?
• Well I don’t go to church like I should right now, but I’m going to do better. But I bet you didn’t know that I am actually an active member of a church in California!                          (P.S. he has lived in Maryland for over a year).

 

So you see, this stuff is no joke!! Sometimes I shake my head, sometimes I laugh, and sometimes it saddens me. I’ve often prayed for them, actually. We are so different, brothers and sisters. We truly are the minority. I can only have hope that somewhere along the way, we lead someone to Christ with our exemplary lifestyles. I hope that, even when they don’t come CLOSE to being a match for us, that our testimony and our dedication to following our Lord will ignite the tiny spark that it takes to make them lift their eyes to him. We shouldn’t be arguing with people even if we’re right, we shouldn’t be forcing principles and scripture down people’s throats, or flaunting our righteousness with pride. That’s not even the gospel of Jesus Christ. …But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience…1 Peter 3:15   We lead with how we live our lives, the words that we select, the way we treat people who may not be as beautiful or wealthy or holy as we are. Sometimes that is how hardened hearts are softened and eyes and minds are opened. Sometimes that is how people become absolutely enthralled with that “something” that is different about you, and ask you how you manage to do it. Ok yea, so I’m still single. 🙂 But maybe, just maybe, it made someone stop and think…think on these things…or sit still and watch the sun rise and realize that it is the work of a magnificent and powerful God who loves us. Maybe.

…that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgment of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus.   Philemon 1:6

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.   Philippians 4:8

 

 

Living Single – Phenomenally

phenomenal – [fi-nom-uh-nl]

1. highly extraordinary or prodigious; exceptional

Well, what a perfect definition for single Christian people. What can I say? I mean we are, after all, amazingly extraordinary and exceptional people! Dating and the path to marriage is a whole different ball of wax for us. And in all of our awesomeness, we must still become better people in Christ’s image – all while being our phenomenal selves. It definitely takes a special person to be a single, dating Christian. There are so many rules and advice, do’s and don’ts, all these things to watch for and avoid – it can be so overwhelming! Although much of that advice is very helpful and true, I’ve learned that sometimes I just have to relax and be myself. Not a “soulish” self, but a spirit-filled self. Just me.

Here’s where I’m about to keep it real! You see, I wear turtlenecks sometimes…because I like them, and not because some religious folks think that’s the only way to dress modestly and be beautiful in God’s eyes. I wear natural-looking makeup and sometimes I wear earrings. I have some great floor-length skirts I love to wear, but seriously: sometimes I like to just wear pants! I recognize that I am human! Brace yourself: sometimes I think about sex – and temptation is everywhere. *GASP. I stumble, sometimes I fall flat on my face. I have to rebuke attitudes and feelings and junk my flesh wants all the time and although a Christian, I am not perfect. “Oh, for shame!!”

No. You see, Real Christians need encouragement on Real Life Issues without feeling condemned or abnormal. People struggle with addictions and depression. Um, NEWSFLASH: Lots of people are divorced. Chastity has become unusual, yet here we are out here trying to date and find godly spouses. There are teenage mothers and fathers, abortions, a whole community of homosexual people out there. If you have dealt with any of those things, I have some gospel for you today baby: you are NOT SPOILED. You are not too damaged to be wonderful, and don’t you let some snot-nosed religious folk tell you (or make you FEEL) otherwise. You are not a “red flag” with “baggage” and you are not broken. Leave the hypocrites alone to deal with their planks and keep strong on your path to being phenomenal in Christ! You did not see Jesus treating people like pitiful and dirty sinners who had no hope for righteousness and purity, or a broken vessel that needed fixing through guilt and condemnation. No! Come on, now. Turning noses up to people is not even the gospel of Christ! He showed them grace and mercy and sent them on their way, instructing them to leave sin behind. Praise God! Be your beautiful self, and remember you are not of this world. Walk with Christ, and prepare to become the best wifey/hubby EVER! smh….Gosh, you’re phenomenal!

…..ok I know what you’re thinking. And even if you aren’t thinking it, you are probably thinking that other people might be thinking it: “wellll that’s pretty conceited to call yourself ‘phenomenal’, isn’t it?”      Well here’s my response to that: WHO CARES what they think?! Do you not know that you are sons and daughters of a mighty King? Or that your Father looked over nothing, spoke something, and created the heavens and earth?? I mean, seriously. Shouldn’t you hold your head high with this knowledge, knowing that you’re beautiful and amazing from the inside out? Rock on, honey!!

BUT…slow your role and remember this: you are NOTHING on your own. The glory and honor belong to God alone. So respect that deeply, and remain humble in heart, letting his Holy Spirit teach you all things, and transform you and renew your mind, loving people as he would (don’t forget to love yourself too), shining for him in all you do, giving your best for Christ, and THEN, my brothers and sisters…you are living phenomenally.

A woman who is convinced that she deserves to accept only the best challenges herself to give the best…then she is living phenomenally. ~Maya Angelou

“And I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord. Apart from you, I have no good thing.” Psalm 16:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2

They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. John 17:16

What to do When You’re Totally Into a Guy and He Hasn’t Asked You Out

4 M&M’s and a Diet Coke

I’ve come to the devastating conclusion that Dunkin Donuts, Ben & Jerry’s, and cheese pizzas are pure evil. It’s kind of like that Truvia commercial where the woman is singing about how sugar is her friend and is so sweet…but then she changes her mind and declares, “but you’re not sweet! You make my butt fat!” I feel the same way…particularly when I walk past the scale every morning in avoidance.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind a little extra booty (I’m not all that well-endowed in that area) but all those seemingly wonderful indulgences go straight to my waist as an insulting, cushy spare tire. Why, oh why could it not just go to the RIGHT places?? I mean seriously. Your girl here would looove to have assets like Jennifer Lopez!

All you have to do is flip through the channels to see people obsessed with the newest fad diets, quick-fix solutions, pills, shakes, and protein bars which make lofty claims about eating everything you want, hardly ever exercising, and losing the bulge. Yea, right! And with the billions of dollars that women (AND men!) spend each year, some of us are obviously buying into it…and yes, I am also guilty of spending hundreds on dry, tasteless diet food somewhat resembling cat treats with very little, temporary results.

Some people are only out to lose a few to fit into a wedding dress, look great at their high school reunion, or make an ex boyfriend desperately jealous. But there are others for which weight is a major source of pain. I have been one of those hurting people. Battling an eating disorder at only 19 years old, I cried and ate and purged and exercised like crazy and continued the cycle over and over again only to drop about 15 pounds. That should have been great, but I griped because I needed to lose 60! I didn’t see progress, I only saw the long, grueling road  ahead. I bit the bullet hardcore and ended up losing that 60 lbs, and then some…without diet pills or self-destructive behavior.  I nixed ALL junk food for about 3 weeks, then let myself have small amounts here and there. I walked 45 minutes a day 5 days per week (I took weekends off!), drank plenty of water, and cut my calories drastically compared to what I had been eating. I’m not talking about 4 M&M’s and a diet Coke for lunch…I’m talking high fiber cereal, fruit, tons of great salads, and whatever I wanted on the weekend (in moderation). But then I gained it back, lost a few more, gained it back, then finally lost it all. (This was all over a period of 13 years or so). But this time I did it with a combination of Medifast for 3 weeks, then healthy food choices and lots of running. I was 32 and looking and feeling better than I did even in high school, had adopted a vegetarian lifestyle which I stuck to for over 2 years, and swore I’d never go back to the fat. But I was struck with an illness that drained me of all energy and had me in pain nearly every waking hour. An entire year passed and the doctors couldn’t even tell me what was wrong. When they finally figured it out, I’d gained most of the weight back due to depression and my inability to exercise. Soooo here I am! For the last time. I’m better now, the condition is being treated, and I’m getting ready to get this fat coat off for good!

You see, I’ve also come to the conclusion that I can’t do this alone. I am FAR too weak. And our heavenly Father doesn’t expect us to go solo! But no matter how you slice it, the bible is very specific about gluttony, greed, and idolatry. FOOD – our very sustenance, can cause us to commit these sins. It sounds harsh, but truly, why mask it? If you’re eating when you know full well you aren’t even hungry (like having a huge dessert after your complete meal – you KNOW you are not hungry, girl!)…anyway, when we do that, it’s being greedy. Eating popcorn just because you’re at the movies and it’s just what you’re supposed to do even when you aren’t hungry is just unnecessary. When food is used to make us feel better, when we feel like we deserve some chocolate because somebody hurt our feelings or we have PMS, we are using food to comfort us and all the while, neglecting the comforter. Using food to heal our pain as our healer looks on with open arms, just patiently waiting for us to snap out of it and come to him, our true source. That’s the reality of it. I know it’s a hard hit, but it’s right there, clear as day in our Bible and if you believe everything it says…well, then we have to accept even the tough parts. Bright spot: It’s so cool that God loves us so completely that he even cares about our weight loss woes! I don’t know why, but I used to feel like it was vain and far too small for him to care about. But anything that is a source of pain, steals our joy, and ruins our one and only body is extremely important to him! What could we be missing out on because we couldn’t find something that fit in our closet and we felt crappy? Who might we have been ministering to, sharing the gospel, or giving our testimony?

I still struggle. I’m still really mean to myself sometimes, and say things I would never even THINK of someone else. I’m still hard on myself, and sometimes I still feel miserable when I think of the unwanted weight. I’m not morbidly obese, and I have no weight-related health problems. Praise God! Both of my parents and two of my brothers have high blood pressure, one of my brothers has diabetes, and yet I have the heart of a teenager at 34. I have been blessed. God has given me the chance to get this right, stop abusing myself, and live a long healthy life so I can have more children and be around to see all their milestones and share their lives. I am great at encouraging others, cheering them on, telling them how great they are doing and how they can make it through their storm. But why is it so tough to do for myself?

A couple of years ago, I decided that I was going to set calendar reminders in my phone. I would pick random days, maybe about 1 or 2 per week, with encouraging stuff! I’m going to do it again!! Some of my favorite examples are:

Girl, you look fabulous! keep up the good work.

You are beautiful.

Don’t give up – look how far you’ve come!

You weigh less today than you did last week.

Smile! You look amazing and are getting healthy, girl.

Cutie patootie! You better WORK that outfit.

The thing is, I would completely forget which message I put in there. Sometimes I would completely forget that I even put the reminder in at all, and somehow it was always a nice surprise, like a text from a friend or special someone! Even though I was not hearing any of them from anyone else and they came from my own mind, they made me smile and feel a little better. I would fill up an entire month, and then do the same when the next month came along. Try it! And share some of your motivating messages with me. I can always use more!

What I’m learning, slowly but surely, is that every relationship that doesn’t work is not because of my weight. I’ve posted recent photos on dating profiles to be completely transparent about how I look, and STILL freaked out on the first meeting because I was worried they would think I looked thinner in my pictures than in person. I’ve hugged someone and been afraid they would feel my back fat, and covered my body as if they couldn’t see it under the clothes. Really? Ugh! It sounds so dumb to even say it! But it’s true. See how these lies get into our heads? Don’t give in to that junk. Whether it’s coming from you or someone else, you plead the blood of Jesus and rebuke that garbage! We have to pray that we will see ourselves the way God sees us, and call ourselves only what HE has called us.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

Well my plan is to really seek Jesus in this and call for his help every single day. I’m changing my bad junk food habits and allowing God to begin healing in my spirit for the issue. But most importantly, it’s crucial to get in the presence of God, and allow him to break the chains and crumble the strongholds. The food isn’t bad – it’s the way I and so many other have used it in a bad way. Amazing how too much of something so awesome is used by our enemy to oppress us and keep us bound. Deceit! But………God is bigger. 🙂 And all the glory belongs to him.

 

Why am I still single???! Wow. So glad you asked…

When people when men ask me that question, particularly in that shady and condescending tone, I feel like they’ve already diagnosed me and have their idea of what the answer is. I feel like asking them, well what do you think I’m going to say? “I’m single because I’m a total loser and don’t know how to satisfy or keep a man?” Or “because I’m bitter from past relationships and have trust issues?” Or would you dare to think “I’m just broke, busted, and disgusted and horrible in bed???” I mean, REALLY?!? Well, well, well…let me assure you, O self-proclaimed gift to all women, it is none of the above. No, my standards are not too high, no I am not a gold-digging leech who just hasn’t found a dumb enough sugar daddy, and I am not too emotionally scarred to be in a healthy relationship. My reason, in one word, is GROWTH.

Not the type of growth where hips widen, chins multiply, and there’s some extra fluffiness in the mid-section and booty due to my inability to resist coffee ice cream, but “inside” growth. You see, I’m so blessed that my options for dating and/or marriage are automatically slimmer than a Slim-Jim. When you consider the proverbial “sea” and all the “fish” which inhabit it, a very small percentage is actually left for me to choose from once my blessings are applied. Here’s what I mean by that:

How BLESSED am I to have the Spirit of God abiding in me!!! All the fish who do not yet know him, ignore him, convince themselves he doesn’t walk alone as the only God, or even exist at all are automatically disqualified. Sorry ’bout your luck. But hey – call me later…….and we can talk about the gospel. 😉

BLESSED – to have a loving family. My daughter is my love and highest priority after God, and I’m certainly not selecting a poor role-model and male figure for her life. So if you don’t like/want children/take care of the ones you have, you fit into this category. So sorry for your loss.

BLESSED to have a good education, career, a home to call my own, and a car to drive. It isn’t much, but it’s necessary, basic, and mine. If you are a fish who cannot/will not provide these basic things for yourself, or feel intimidated with women who have – sorry. Can’t do it.

How tremendously BLESSED I am that should I ask God to give me wisdom, he DOES. The Spirit of God is always speaking. So when I specifically ask him to show me someone’s heart or remove them from my life should he desire, he will. Sometimes I don’t know the reasons why someone is eliminated, but I stand on the fact that God does know. And if you are a fish eliminated by GOD because your heart isn’t in the right place to properly love his daughter for whatever reason…well, good luck in your search.

Years ago, I may have just told you I was simply “waiting for the right one,” or “looking for my soul mate.” Today I tell you, it’s because I’m richly blessed by the One from whom all blessings flow. Once you remove unbelievers, lukewarm fans of God who treat him like a genie in an exotic, shiny lamp, once you eliminate bad role models and those who don’t want kids, the ones who can’t/won’t support themselves with the bare necessities, and the fish who would rather just meet lots of other fish, mate, and keep it moving…you’re left with a select and precious remnant. Not so small that there is little or no chance to meet him/her in your lifetime, but small enough that you’ll need to grow along the way to find them. Grow through the beautiful, flowery, and blissful moments, grow through the crushes and heartaches, the nitwits and dumb-dumbs, grow through the bad choices you made and sordid relationships you stayed in for some undetermined reason, grow through pain and divorce – yes, even divorce. All those times are tough, yet none of them meaningless; nothing wasted as they are miraculously and perfectly led into their metamorphosis to something for the GOOD of those who love Him, as all things are. Growth is how you find your love. Seeking the face of your FIRST love (Jesus) will lead you to the right place at the right time, all while recognizing the small still voice that is your God’s. That tender voice, by his Holy Spirit, there to guide and comfort you through it all. I’m still growing, and considering my “singleness” not as a terribly lonely time, but as a season of learning and growing and trusting him. It is but a season.

…and after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12

PB&J’s and Grilled Cheese

I’ve learned some pretty grown-up lessons over my single years after my divorce. One thing about not being with someone else is that you certainly do learn a lot about SELF! Being a single woman is one thing. But being a single parent AND unmarried/not in a relationship is a whole other story. I mean, I have some single, divorced friends with no children. Sometimes I try to imagine how it must feel for them to be our age and come home to an empty house, wondering if they’re ever going to walk in the door and see their family waiting for them. Trust me – I get the single thing. I get the dread of climbing into an empty bed alone between cold sheets, I get shouldering all the bills by yourself, I get feeling all crazy on Mother’s Day and/or Father’s Day as you consider how hard it is to do both. I get it. But I am blessed to say that the ’empty house’ is not my life. I always have my child to talk to and hang out with and care for. I’m thankful for that. But it does present a different kind of challenge to those of us who have been blessed with the gift of a child.

See, I’ve been through some pretty painful times when it comes to marriage/relationships. I gave several years of my life as a very young lady trying to make a marriage work that should never have begun in the first place – it just wasn’t time yet and we jumped in far too early and probably for the wrong reasons.  I’ve been through some terrible heartache in a couple of relationships too: the kind where the thought of it actually stabs your heart and you have to mourn the loss, almost like there was a death. In some ways, it truly is the death of something and it can be excruciating. But one really huge thing I’ve come to learn is that I can’t allow my child to feel that grief along with me.

My pastor talked about Rachel being in the throes of childbirth with her son whom she called Ben-Oni (son of my trouble, or son of my sorrow). Jacob changed his name to Benjamin (Genesis 35:16-18). I believe this gives us the message that we should never pass our sorrows and troubles onto our children.

As a little girl, my parents would never talk about money troubles, although looking back, I know we had many. I never heard them complaining about not having enough or crying about what we didn’t have. That’s not to say they didn’t, but it’s to say that I never heard it. They kept that sorrow from me as a young child. For single parents, it can be really hard to have no one to quickly turn to at home when the only other person around is your kiddo. It’s very difficult to go through something in your relationship or have to end it, but then you can’t allow yourself to fall apart. It’s tough when you’re hurting so much that all you want to do it lie down in your bed and weep bitterly, but instead, you get up and go make cookies and go to the park to spend the sunny spring day. It is just plain hard! If at all possible, don’t let your child see you in your misery and deep pain. Now that doesn’t mean you will always be able to hide everything from them and they won’t catch you fighting back tears. It happens. We’ve got to reassure them that we are going to be ok, there’s no reason to be scared, it’s not them…everything possible to erase any negative feelings they have because of our immediate condition. I’ve had some circumstances, due to relationship woes or other issues, that I absolutely had to drag myself out of it. I had to take a few minutes behind a locked door alone, cry out to God, and just ask him to strengthen me for the sake of my child. Sometimes I promise myself that I will let myself cry or worry later, but just not now. (Usually when I do that, my entire mode has changed by the time I have time to think about it because God has stepped into the picture in that sovereign way that only he can). And sometimes he just allows me to let the tears flow, holding each one in his hand. Weeping may endure for a night….BUT……you know this truth.

So don’t let your kids be sons and daughters of sorrow. Don’t make them carry burdens that only adults were meant to carry. They don’t need to know about your breakup, they don’t need to know your boyfriend/girlfriend hurt your feelings or that you are arguing. Obviously if they have met your significant other and you end the relationship, things will be weird and you have to explain. But you can explain it in a way that is simple and lets them know that everything is going to be ok while protecting them from the sorrow that you may be feeling. Just like we do, kids worry about things they don’t understand. But, also like us, they don’t need to understand everything!!! Sometimes all they need to know is that everything is going to be ok. Like us, they need to trust the one who is caring for them. Let them be kids so that one day they can look back on the days of their youth and reminisce on how cool it was when the biggest decisions they had to make were kickball or dodgeball, PB&J or grilled cheese. We have troubles and sorrows in our lives that we are presented with. When that burden is too heavy for you, your Lord and Savior will carry it for you – gladly. Please take the burden that should be yours from your children, and then lay it at the foot of the cross. Trust me: He doesn’t mind.

Are those seeds wheat? Or WEEDS??

Everyone loves the excitement of a new relationship. I mean, who doesn’t love the constant attention and sweet text messages in the middle of your work day? Thoughtful and engaging conversation, those first several dates as you get to know more about your love interest, first hugs and kisses, and all those butterflies are just amazing! As wonderful as that ‘butterflies stage’ is, it’s soon going to evolve into that ‘revelation stage’ where all the best behavior and first impression stuff is fading. I call it the revelation stage because the true character of your potential mate is revealed.  At this point in the relationship, there’s bound to be some crappy Monday mornings, some sort of hiccup in the day that causes him/her to be really annoyed or bummed out, or maybe something will even be said that kind of rubs you the wrong way. Ahhhh, yes…and the revelation stage is also when the red flags start popping up all over the place (if they exist with this particular person). Now sometimes we will ignore those flags knowing full well how just plain dumb that is, simply because we didn’t want the butterfly stage to end. When we do that, we are clinging to the person we wanted them to be. And sometimes we get a clue, pack our emotional bags, and high-tail it out of there like we have a fire under our butts. Or, in the best scenario, there really are no obvious red flags and things go pretty smoothly! This is also revelation, as you are settling into the distinct and pleasant possibility that this could be long term, or forever. And isn’t that where we all want to be? I’m just gonna answer that with a resounding YES!

So you’ve probably had enough relationship starts to have a pretty good idea of what you’re looking for. Even though you may have had to learn what you like and need through mistakes and toxic relationships, you probably know what makes you happy and what you hope to have in a potential mate. You probably know what to expect for the most part; even if you haven’t used the terms ‘butterflies’ and ‘revelation’ to describe the stages of starting your relationship, you’ve been down the road before. You can probably weed out the losers faster than you’ve ever been able to in the past, and you know where to draw the line when it comes to nonsense. So what happens when your new love interest throws you a major curveball?

My last relationship ended with one of those curveballs. It completely threw me way off course! I thought I’d gotten pretty good at discerning people’s true intentions for me, whether or not they truly served the Lord, and if they were complete liars pretty early on. This guy appeared to be so perfect for me in so many ways! The biggest thing that caught my attention is that he reminded me of my father. Not so much that it was creepy, (LOL!) but he looked like a very young version of him and even his demeanor was similar. My Dad is just love of my life, so in my heart, this guy already had points with me. He said he was seeking God, and he seemed to go to church pretty often. He said he was single, divorced for three years, and I was able to verify that too. He was funny, very attractive, seemed to be very mature, and able and ready to love. Then all the sweet text messages and flattering compliments began their blossom into the wide open flower of true revelation. I got to see the difference between the wheat and the weeds as all the seeds I thought were new love began to sprout dishonesty, undependability, selfishness, and a lack of relationship with the Lord (complete deal-breakers for me). Weeks earlier, I had not seen a single red flag! I would never, ever have imagined that these qualities lurked within or that he could have tricked me into believing he was someone that he was not. Boy was I ever wrong! Completely thrown off. When I get into the revelation stage, it really begins for me the moment I pray that God would bless our relationship if it is in his will, or to remove him from my life if he so desires to in order to work things for my good. And as always, it was done in this relationship. Yes, I know. Sad ending. Not technically, since it was not best for me to be with him, but sad nonetheless since I remained single. But come on now, you know I’m not leaving you hanging with that disappointment!

That curveball can also be a good thing! I’ve recently met a man who I wasn’t quite sure about from the beginning. It certainly wasn’t because there was anything bad or shifty about him, but because I didn’t really think he was interested in more than friendship. I met him online and we exchanged several messages for probably about a week. They consisted of lots of small talk, lots of conversations about church and our experiences in our walk with Christ, and the general ‘so what do you do for fun’ questions. This went on for weeks. I then offered my email address because it was such a pain to keep logging on the site just to hear from each other. He emailed me and we continued our awesome conversations for about another two weeks. Hmmmm…well I’d never talked with someone I met online that long without being asked for my phone number. That was new for me! I mean, he never even hinted at it in the slightest bit. I began to frantically scroll back through all our messages from day one to see if I’d given him the impression that I wasn’t interested. I tried to see if I’d said something that could have been interpreted the wrong way…I couldn’t find anything! As I read through all the messages, I couldn’t even really find any where he said something that indicated romantic interest, complimented my physical appearance, or flirted with me in any way. What the heck?! All our conversation was very neutral; complete friend zone! So I took a reallly deep breath and told him I really enjoyed his company, and I was wondering if he intended to keep it as friends or if he’s thinking we could potentially move forward. (I worded it much better when I said it to him, don’t worry). Well I was completely surprised when he responded that he absolutely wanted to exchange numbers and couldn’t wait to meet me. ?!? huh? Well I had prepared myself for rejection but was thrown a very happy curveball! We finally met this past weekend, and it was definitely the purest, sweetest date that I’ve ever been on. He told me that the reason he didn’t shower me with compliments that could seem in-genuine or pressure me for my number is because he didn’t want to seem pushy and just hoped that we could go with the flow and see what happened. We had lunch, walked in the park, talked literally all day, and had a phenomenal time! He said he looked forward to seeing me again. 15 minutes after he drove off, he called me ‘just to tell me again that he had a really nice time.’ Well! I obviously felt the same way. So THAT was a curveball I can live with! 

This was a revelation to me. I realized that I was so used to the crazy and sometimes overwhelming flattery and compliments during the butterfly stages of all my past relationships, whether they were sincere or not. And I must admit that even when I doubted the sincerity, I probably still enjoyed it. It’s an ego-booster. (Following the Lord, but still trapped in all this flesh! I’m human). Not to say that compliments and/or being completely open about how you feel about someone is a bad thing, necessarily. If someone is doing that, you can’t write them off assuming it’s insincere because it’s early on. But you still have to be careful. I’d never met someone who handled things the way my new guy did when they were actually interested. I expected him to have a very shy and quiet demeanor in person because of this, and that was completely wrong too! He was very relaxed, funny, open, maintained engaging conversation at all times, and was by no means shy.

He really seems to be an all-around great guy! I think I’m somewhere between butterflies and revelation at the moment. Obviously there are no red flags, and I definitely see great potential. So I have taken you through all that to bring you here: don’t let all your dating experience deceive you into thinking you’ve got everybody figured out or that you can always know exactly what to expect. I truly respect this man for honoring my personal space and truly attempting to friend me before anything more. I’ve been used to being the one to slow things down and bring things back to my speed in new relationships, even with Christian men. I feel much safer with him knowing that he is seeking the Lord with each step of our developing relationship, proceeding with caution, and walking in obedience to the Father as he takes my hand. Isn’t that how it should be?

Of course I’ll keep y’all posted on my potential love. I just want you to know that this divorced-for-8-years-single-for-far-too-long girl is still learning the dating game! Keep your eyes wide shut, pray about the man/woman in your dating life, and don’t let go of your Creator’s hand as you go. Enjoy!

If Jesus sent you a text

Monday morning. Things are going smoothly, and traffic actually isn’t too bad. You exhale and turn on some Third Day so you can relax and rock out all the way the office…which is right about the time some jerk passes you on the right, cuts you off, and then starts driving 10mph under the speed limit directly in front of you. After all that!? REALLY?? Ok, so now you feel the blood rushing up to your face and your ears are burning and your heart is pounding all in what feels like a millisecond and you don’t even think twice about what you are about to say. *********

FREEZE!! Can you see that picture of yourself? With both hands gripping the steering wheel, mouth wide open, face all contorted, lookin’ all crazy? Good. Now pause || and take a deep breath. You know your blood pressure is rising just with the thought of it!

Kind of reminds you of the time that you were standing in line at your least favorite place on earth (Wal-Mart) and they had 2 stinking cashiers on a Friday evening. 2! And that lady (with the shopping cart heaped so high with stuff that it’s leaning sideways) basically broke into a light jog when she saw you approaching Lane 7 just a few steps before her. In fact, if you hadn’t slowed down, she would have rolled right over you! The words were right on the tip of your tongue and then you received a text message that diverted your attention…

Maybe it’s your mom, or your co-worker telling you about her crappy day. Maybe it’s an annoying ex-boyfriend, or a friend from when you were a kid. But that would be far too simple, of course. Consider this: what if the sender was Jesus? What exactly do you think that text would say in that moment?

Let’s keep it real. You know you wish you could give people like the ‘Monday-Morning-Crasher’ and the ‘Wal-Martian Marathoner’ a big piece of your mind! If you have any self-control at all, you probably will refrain from cussing up a storm or smackin’ somebody’s mama across the room. But still – you know there are lots of things you can say and do that might not get you kicked out of the store or escorted to jail, but are far short of ‘kind.’ Bet you’ve used this one: “She better be glad I’m a Christian!!” Classic! You’ve probably changed quite a bit since your pre-Christian days. But it sure doesn’t mean that things don’t work your absolute last nerve sometimes! And you know that it’s not anything you did to get out of that old person’s ways, but it is the Holy Spirit teaching you all things as Jesus said he would.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. John 14:26

 His teaching does not just consist of God’s word and scholarly things, but also his character and principles of which we should be imitating daily. I used to say things like, “well I ain’t Jesus! I can’t be like him!” Well that’s just an excuse, no better than the one where people justify someone’s crude behavior by saying, “oh that’s just the way he/she is. You have to get to know him/her.” As if being a complete donkey is ok just because “that’s the way he/she is.” Really? No. Don’t buy that pile of crap. So maybe we can’t be exactly like Jesus, since we are still in the flesh after all – but we sure can strive to follow his example in all that we say and do so that we can become more like him. That’s what a disciple of Jesus Christ does, isn’t it?

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1

So back to lane 7…what’s your text say?

My first thought about what mine says is “don’t…even…THINK about it.” Just like that. He knows me – my every thought. Now that would definitely stop me in my tracks to get that text! And in that moment, when I may not have otherwise been able to take that second to stop and think about the consequences, I would remember why flipping out on somebody and getting carried off on the swift breeze of my erratic emotions is just not a choice I want to make. But it sure does feel great during those times that you do actually stop yourself, see the effects that would have been had you continued, and make the choice that you know you are supposed to be making – following his example as you know it.

 Do not let your mouth lead you to sin. Ecclesiastes 5:6

 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9

I’ve thought of many other texts I think he might send me at many points of my life. At the top of the list:

• What do you think you are doing?

But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” Genesis 3:9

• Stop. Let me handle it. I GOT THIS!

It is mine to avenge, I will repay. Deuteronomy 32:35

• Don’t say those things about yourself. You are mine, and you are beautiful.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4

• Believe.

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

• I love you…

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

• You have to forgive her. I forgave you, didn’t I?

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 

• I haven’t heard from you in a while. We need to spend some time together now.

Be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. Deuteronomy 6:12

• It’s ok. I have already forgiven you for that.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing; Now it springs up. Do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:18

• Remember my promise: I said I would never leave you.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

• It’s a lie. Don’t listen to him. Listen to me!

When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44

And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:27

• I know it hurts right now. But I will work it out for your good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

• That voice you just heard? Yes. That was me. And I meant it.

My sheep listen to my voice: I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

So many of those would help me so much to receive them on those tough days…the ones where I can’t believe I’m still single and I’m, quite frankly, kind of tired of it! The days where you’re just overwhelmed with being a single parent and it would be kind of nice to have a little help every now and then! Or the days where you’re actually not single for the first time in a minute and kind of excited about a potential relationship…until they randomly do something stupid, reveal a deal-breaker quality about themselves, or just rip your heart out of your chest with the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation. On those days, a text from my TRUE love (Jesus) would be nice to bring things back into perspective, keep me from doing, saying, or thinking something dumb, and just make me feel better and remember that everything is going to be ok.

Ok so maybe he’s not going to text you. Maybe he’s not going to shoot you an email, or inbox you on Facebook. But you already know that he speaks, and is always speaking in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it’s that small, still voice inside that only you can hear. Sometimes it’s through someone else, or a word that he gave to your pastor, or a scripture that you just couldn’t get out of your head. Sometimes he speaks by showing you things and bringing something that you read or heard before to your remembrance. Sometimes he’s speaking to prepare you for trouble, or to bring you out of it, or to help you avoid it all together! That voice, that ‘knowing,’ that relief, that soothing balm is the voice of the Lord, the Voice of Truth through his Holy Spirit. He speaks to us in ways that we will understand at each particular point in our lives, and he always meets us right where we are. It’s awesome that he’s there. It’s awesome that he even cares, and takes the time to speak to us and lead us through our experience in this world and in our flesh until the day that he returns; and faster than the blink of an eye, we are given new bodies like his…and that brings great comfort to my soul.

Don’t be afraid while you wait for me. Take heart, persevere, find your strength and rest in me. I’m OMW.  😉

 Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha, and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. Revelation 22:12

~Stacey